We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
