Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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