You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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