I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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