i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
