I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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