So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
