The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
