Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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