I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
