I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
