I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
