dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
