you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
