I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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