12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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