My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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