I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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