I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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