You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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