i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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