I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
