Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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