we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
