You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
