I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
