It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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