I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
