Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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