not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
