Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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