There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
