Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
