just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
