He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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