so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
