i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
