That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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