i think my tv is drunk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
