If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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