TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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