Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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