It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
