I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
