i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
