5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
