Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
