new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
