So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
