Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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