the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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