This is not my ceiling
I cockslap morals
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
