yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
