Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
