Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
