my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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