I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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