listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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